Affirming Relationships

I taught 9th and 10th grade English at an alternative school in Washington, D.C. 

My students had either been officially kicked out of DC public schools or it was just made abundantly clear to them that they did not belong. Many of them were in the juvenile system. They were considered too angry. Too much attitude. Too behind. Too loud. 

Before this, I had been teaching middle school English for three years. Typical young progressive teacher in the early days of Teach for America: full of misguided grit and white saviorism, determined to change the system, but unable to see my role in it. My training was steeped in high expectations: you will control the classroom and you will achieve unbelievable student results. 

So there I was, day 1 at my new school, ready to implement all of my tricks from teaching 7th grade. I would assign seats. I would have clear routines and procedures--this is when you go to the bathroom, this is how you get your materials, this is how you turn in your work. Simply put, I would control the situation. I would be IN-CHARGE, and I would create so much structure that there would be no room for mishaps. 

We all know how this plays out.

Some students laughed. Some cursed. One responded to my seating chart asking if I was a virgin. And no one moved their seats or followed my directions.

How was I supposed to teach if I could not use all of the tricks I had learned? 

My principal called me that night and wisely reminded me: “We did not hire you to tell students where to sit or how to act--we hired you to teach them.”

Ahh. Right. 

Scratch that horrendous day 1.

Enter Day 2. I bypass the routines and jump straight into literature, rapidly passing out Their Eyes Were Watching God and colorful creative assignments. I’ll just win my students over by making learning really fun.

Again, my students looked me up and down in disbelief. 

Who are you? Why should we care? 

Ahh. Right.

I am not going to sit here now and tell you that I changed the world. This is not the story of a teacher who transformed lives. This is not the story where all of the students end up reading on-grade level. 

This is the story of me learning the obvious: relationships have to come first.

I spent the next few months getting to know my students and opening up to them. There was no grand gesture. Marble by marble, as Brene Brown would say. It was little post-it notes. It was reading and responding to their journal entries. It was birthday cards and asking questions. It was attending long field trips and having lunch together. It was holding my student’s newborn daughter while teaching because she did not have childcare. 

As soon as I stopped imposing my controlling structures, we saw each other for who we were. . . just people, trying to be people. I was just a fumbling kinda-adult, wearing my teacher hat, trying to infuse my love of books. They were just fumbling teenagers, trying to be seen and heard. 

As educators, we can’t seating-chart or color-code our way into our students’ hearts and they can’t enter ours if we lead with control and coercion. Fifteen years later, I am still in touch with my students. And, now as a parent and former principal, I  have yet to see a single student learn anything meaningful from a teacher without the foundation of a strong and authentic relationship. There is even significant research demonstrating: “human relationships are the essential ingredient that catalyzes healthy development and learning.” Instead of fixating our high expectations on how students should behave, we should start having high expectations for how we--as educators--build real affirming relationships.